Love and Sadness

Trigger Warning: Unsupportive Professionals

This post was written by a contributor in their second language.

I have always strived to be a man who only wanted to spread good things to others. But it was so difficult to come to terms with that as a young person I never had anyone by my side to encourage him and tell him that everything is fine. I'm still afraid that I'll be alone, even though my sadness is getting bigger and bigger just because I have friends around me. People say that everything will be fine, but I say that it's the opposite because nobody cares about anybody today. I try to offer a better version of myself, but it's so hard these days that no one pays attention to anyone, just because I'm different from the others. Some of my thoughts and dreams that I wanted to realize are almost impossible when every day people humiliate you and only want to make you a bad creator and a bad non-human. And I was just looking for a grain of attention and a grain of respect to give others around me, a little spark of hope that everything is not as black in my head as it seemed.

Since the day I found a girl, my world has changed. People told me, passers-by with whom I often talked, mostly the older people around me, that love is so wonderful and wonderful, you know, I thought it was all true until I realized that love can be a double-edged sword and the person you trust is actually your biggest enemy. I had to find peace within myself, which in adolescence began to damage my reputation, and I was never happy in that outcome. But on the other hand, in this relationship, I learned that appreciating myself today is a very good and wonderful thing, but also to appreciate your parents is also a good thing. During my schooling, I struggled to be in the company of others, I often looked for a cry for care and attention that needed to be realized, but I never succeeded because I was weak in my intentions. And I thought that the world stopped from the day when my girlfriend sent me for stupidity, she says that my health is not good due to dementia. I wasn't suitable for her only because I didn't want to do what she thought, and it's such a sad thing when someone loves you and to whom you told some of your dark side, to leave you so easily. And my wounds still burn when I look at the sky and wonder if God is one and if he even exists to give me some guidance that everything is not as black as I thought at that time. And I still think that He is there somewhere, but that He cannot possibly give me any good advice because He sees that reality is different from some of my invented fantasies.

I wanted to live in a world full of kindness and not to touch anyone and not to be touched by anyone just because of my appearance and some thinking that the world is such a strange place to live because I believed that people must be different and not live according to other templates . And I forced myself to be gloomy and sad during school days so that others would share my unhappiness. I would still believe in that truth if only one person hadn't shown me the right path, namely my parents. Even though at that time I couldn't and didn't know how to express my mental health and that I thought I was ugly just because my girlfriend didn't want me, I always believed that behind my track of misfortune there was reason and a healthy relationship that was very necessary for me and my mental state. I have always believed that the point of my existence is faith and love to give to everyone around me, that the meaning of life is only love to give and that I should never hate other people. I have always been a human being first, but others around me were not human and that is what affected me a lot. I tried hard to believe in some of my ideals and dreams, but I never understood that love must be shared and not be a gloomy time for me and my young years.

I believed in only one dream, and that dream was that love moves the world. Although I quickly became disillusioned because she was also a person who wanted to trigger some negativity in me and bring out various memories, even though at that time I thought that high school was a good place for me and that other children would not touch me because of who I am, my crush is crumbling. I never believed that people could be like that, but I was hoping for some enlightenment that would save me from all evil. I thought that faith in one god would save me from all evil and that I would finally understand that everything is not as dark as I once thought. I had to start, to find some hope. But hope is much harder to say than to do at that time when I was young and I did not understand the world around me, which started to become more and more arrogant towards a young and weak being like me.

I remember when my girlfriend left me that day because of my looks that I said I would be stronger than anything. I believed that God was arrogant at the time, but growing up I realized that my thinking was wrong because she became a lady of the sidewalk. I always like to say that everything I do in life is just honesty and a point of respect, which is very necessary for my dream and effort. I say that there is always a story of truth around every corner that I couldn't find at the time, but that only one thing has changed me, and that is people. Even today, I believe that people can be such strange beings, but that they should not be given the importance of being important.I had to find my own solution and my own path before it was too late. And that path was only believing in God who always let me know that I was not alone, and that my parents only wanted me to be well and nothing more.

When I told my mother that my health was deteriorating, she immediately took me to the doctor. I remember that day like it was yesterday, winter was exactly February 14. Twelve o'clock, I am sitting in the waiting room, which is painted in such a gloomy color, but yes, I had to tell him all the problems. And my fear was getting bigger and bigger, because my hope to tell someone about my problems was harder to tell someone else. Even my mother didn't know about all the problems, but simply back then, in those long ago times, it was very necessary to tell someone everything that hurts you. Due to the fact that I was deeply religious, I thought that he would also understand me. I enter that office with bad colors, some lime green, and sit on a chair that was half crooked, but I tried to justify my words and actions, at least to myself, and to express what hurts me. I was in a lot of pain, I was hurt by the injustice of the girl, the people, the environment, the class of the professor ,and whatever I could see just because of my physical appearance, which is certainly no better than most. And as soon as I said the first sentence to the doctor, he immediately stopped me. His phone started ringing, he had an urgent meeting. He says he will come soon, but he didn't come even after three hours. I realize what time it is. I am made from an expert face even. Although his profession is listening to problems!

I couldn't complain to anyone. I believe that time is just a process where I learned that trusting people is a huge problem for me and my dementia during schooling got worse and worse. I didn't know where to hit from all the worries, grades, and love that I transformed, even though I saw her every day in the hall of my school, the one who later repented, I was forgiven, because I'm human. One day is good for me before God. But I think fate created something else for me, to understand that bad people are there for a reason before something good happens. Now I am in a happy relationship with another person who understands all my outbursts and problems, but I also understand hers. I am happy because I am part of her life, and she is part of mine. When I told her, she hugged me and said that this is life. But to always have her! It's a beautiful story and a message to everyone, that true love comes when it needs to. As well as yours!

When I told my mother that my health was deteriorating, she immediately took me to the doctor. I remember that day like it was yesterday, winter was exactly February 14. Noon, I was sitting in the waiting room, which is painted in such a gloomy color, but yes, I had to tell him all the problems. And my fear was getting bigger and bigger because my hope to tell someone about my problems was harder to tell someone else. Even my mother didn't know about all the problems, but simply back then, in those long times, it was very necessary to tell someone everything that hurt you. Because I was deeply religious, I thought that he would also understand me. I entered that office with bad colors, some lime green, and sat on a half-crooked chair, but I tried to justify my words and actions, at least to myself, and to express what hurt me. I was in a lot of pain, I was hurt by the injustice of the girl, the people, the environment, the class, the professor, and whatever I could see just because of my physical appearance, which is certainly no better than most. And as soon as I said the first sentence to the doctor, he immediately stopped me. His phone started ringing, he had an urgent meeting. He says he will come soon, but he didn't come even after three hours. I realize what time it is. I am made from an expert face even. Although his profession is listening to problems!

I couldn't complain to anyone. I believe that time is just a process where I learned that trusting people is a huge problem for me and my dementia during schooling got worse and worse. I didn't know where to hit from all the worries, grades, and love that I transformed, even though I saw her every day in the hall of my school, the one who later repented, I was forgiven, because I'm human. One day is good for me before God. But I think fate created something else for me, to understand that bad people are there for a reason before something good happens. Now I am in a happy relationship with another person who understands all my outbursts and problems, but I also understand hers. I am happy because I am part of her life, and she is part of mine. When I told her, she hugged me and said that this is life. But to always have her! It's a beautiful story and a message to everyone, that true love comes when it needs to. As well as yours!